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Monday, 29 July 2013

Why I don't watch porn.

Seriously.
I don't. Even as a teenager...well, I didn't have my own computer till I was 18 so that sure didn't help. I had friends who would sit around and watch porn for the fun of it...Wasn't into that either.
Preteen, I would watch Showcase and Bravo at 2am for boob... in the softcore porn type dealios... We all did that, we would talk about it in junior high among the boys... I'm told girls did the same thing. Interesting, still technically NOT porn...more like, porn with plot? many of these shows would try to be art pieces... so also quite odd.
When I say I don't watch porn, I mean I'm not into watching video, on the internet, DVD, Bluray or VHS of two or more individuals performing sexual acts that are real. Penis goes into the vagina, the whole nine yards. Not my thing.
Why not? Well it is quite easy to explain, you might not get it, but you'll sure as hell understand. So the porn starts off with the plot? yes, the plot... That thing that you don't care about...that nobody seems to care about. But there is a reason for plot, there is always a reason for plot. Even those IDIOTS, who claim it isn't important and it gets in the way of the "Action"... many people may tell you that they only care for the sex, watching the pee pee go in... but that is complete bullshit. Idiots like that should not be allowed to ever film anything. Everything has an introduction, an initial incident, a conflict, characters, rising action, and finally a climax. Well the same exists in porn right? Well, you get a shitty plot, with a terrible introduction and painfully shallow characters... it's not that the actors can't act, its that they feel they don't have to, they don't take it seriously. How jarring would it be if you put in a VHS tape, and it IMMEDIATELY begin with a penis going in and out? nothing else but watching that until they finish? would you watch that? no. You would probably feel pretty weird.
Even porn knows that they have to have the bare minimum... and that is the problem, they go for the bare minimum. Silly conflicts, contrived plots, dumb as shit characters that make no sense...but they can't just skip to the fucking can they? No. they cannot. This is why it fails in my mind, you expect me to feel attached to these "Characters" watch their story unfold and eventually bang? No, I don't care about them or their conflict... I am emotionally unattached from this situation, thus cannot bring myself to care for them having sex. That is why Sucker Punch failed as a film....

Wait, what? Well true, I do hate porn. I find it uninteresting for the exact reasons I state above... But I believe many films, books, stories can be compared to porn. You have some dude, Directer, writer, whatever who has this really cool idea in his head for a scene of fucking/violence... He can't just film clips of "Action" because nobody would enjoy that... We would become apathetic to the whole mess. So they invent a plot, not as a means for the characters or story, but as a way to lead from one "cool action" scene to the next.
This is allowed in porn, hell it is encouraged... not my thing though... but in films like sucker punch (doesn't deserve capitalization) the creator just wants to get from one action scene to the next, so they link it together with as much sap as they can... this sap happens to be called plot.
NEVER should the plot exists to drive the action, the action should be a byproduct of the story, something that happens naturally and isn't forced. THIS, is the difference between a movie that succeeds as an Action movie and is a piece of shit.
I'll use the best example in the book: Die Hard... that film had lots of awesome action right? yeah it succeeds as an action film and a story because all the action is natural and as a result of the plot.
That is the key to writing both good action scenes and good story. If your idea is a little abstract and you really want to have that action scene in that particular way... then I'm sure you can find a way to fit it in... plot can take ideas from where you want the action to happen...but it shouldn't be governed. If something seems so out of place that you cannot justify it...then don't write it. Dark Knight had a really cool scene where Joker is trying to blow up an armoured car... which led to an semi truck being flipped... seems like a lot of spectacul that you would see in a bad action film, not one of the best films of the 00's right? nope. Nolan knew to justify the action using the plot... Harvey Dent needed to go somewhere else... on the way they get attacked... As opposed to NO justification at all and they just get attacked randomly but thugs...

Okay, so in review, if you want good action you need:
-A plot that includes the action naturally.
-Characters that you care about, hero or villain.
-Tension, the characters should be in a difficult situation in which violence is the only answer. This is the reason why critics hated Equilibrium and everyone hated Ultra Violet (same director, second time he took it too far)
-A reason to fight.

Okay one more thing... Lots of people LOVE sucker punch, I mean...they LOVE it... they love it because everyone else tells them it is crap. Their counter argument consists of:
-Oh but it is pretty...- yes that is a given, it was well animated an choreographed
-The action was good!   -No, no it wasn't. the characters were boring and invincible.
-There was lots of meaning and didn't you see the final cut out scene with Jon Ham? Yes, I've seen it... it does not salvage the piece of shit film... In fact it made it even more contrived.

Yes, I compare sucker punch to porn... that was EXACTLY what it was... an action pornography with no cum shot.
Toodles!

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